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I had been thinking about life recently. And I have been thinking how the passing of time affects the dreams we had in our youth.

The dreams, the utopias… Somehow they lost their strength as time went by.

And then I get to this point where I’m aware of it but still I see no solution and no alternative to get time back to those days… The real question to be asked isn’t weather I’m still capable of going back (although this is still a good question) but weather, in fact, I want to go back.

I don’t know even if this is a normal process, but recently I had a chance to re-evaluate the consequences of the effect of the passage of time. I guess I was “given a chance” or rather “forced” to re-live everything once again. From the black days to the near glorious ones… And the choices I made were exactly the same. The mistakes too, though those are always important to remind us of the essence of our choices. And so… There I was… 24, 25, 26 and no dreams what-so-ever… All lost… I was like a tribute to Katatonia – Viva Emptyness. And these were crisis times, defining times. Like a phoenix reborn, I was presented some choices and I took them. I like to think I gave some meaning to my otherwise meaningless life.

The truth is I did not choose at this particular moment. Actualy, the choice was pre-made (and please note I’m not talking about determinism). I made myself, I chose myself. For better or for worse, this is who I as, and who I am chose for me.
I feel glad to see that I was not as lost as I seemed. I was always myself. This self that has its own principles and values but that’s still able to change, to evolve, to perfect itself.

I guess that when we are young in age the utopia rules… But experience and hard times make us give away the utopia and trade it for something else - a dream a bit smaller but that actually can be made real. I think I cannot change the world in an absolute way by myself. But, I guess I can still help.

Now some ideas flash in my mind…

1. My philosophy teacher once said that the snake will die if it tries to eat an ox. It should stick to the bambis or the rabbits. “What’s the use of dying in vain?” – If we need to sacrifice for a cause, best be for one that can actually be achieved.

2. This morning as I was listening to Arturo Perez Reverte talk on the radio, I heard something that just clicked. He said that the real heroes in life aren’t the ones who are young and have utopias. Those are naturally driven to be brave by their hunger for glory and such efemerous-like rewards. The real heroes are the wrinkled ones. The ones who are aware of the dangers and the consequences but still decide to fight.
And I am still here to fight.

3. And then I read something about Buddha yesterday on-line. I was in www.meaning.com. And there it was… Someone’s interpretation of Buddha’s perspective on the topic of the meaning of life, as the word of the Dalai Lama seems to reveal. And once again it all made sense.

Something changed in me recently, or rather, a lot changed. Someone who had the ability to take a look inside myself would see that I have become a completely different person. However, it’s still me inside. It’s a completely new me that confirms the person I’ve always been.

I’ve always been a thinker… Too much of one actually… I only hope I’ve learned to put things to practise with the passing of the time. If I haven’t by myself, now I know there’s someone who will help me do it. It isn’t me against the world anymore… And although I feel it already, I am only beginning to learn that!